The Oppositional Child

How to Deal with an Oppositional Child


Does it seem like you are always arguing with your child or adolescent? Do they seem to purposely annoy you as well as be easily annoyed by others? Are they angry, resentful and possibly spiteful or vindictive? Do they intentionally defy or refuse to comply with you or other adult’s requests or rules? If so, your child may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Unlike many mental disorders, this one can be fixed without medication usually if parents are willing to work with a therapist on changing the communication style in the home as well as setting up a structured 2 Tier system for negative consequences.
How often are you having a disagreement with your child about something as simple as doing their chores and before you know it, you’re arguing with them about something that happened a year ago. These types of children are master minds at twisting conversations and changing the subject to keep an argument going. To understand how to change them, you first have to understand how they operate. Many times, they see the argument as the power, whereas you as parents are much more focused on the outcome. This is why they change the subject and attempt (usually successfully) to get you worked up emotionally.
So how do you fix this problem? Be aware of your own emotions when talking with your son or daughter and keep the conversation where you want it to be. Do not allow them to change the subject. And when either of you begin to get angry or upset, end the conversation. Remember, it takes two to argue. Children with ODD usually try to start arguments on their terms. For example, you just got home from work with bags of groceries. You’re tired from a long day and trying to put all the food away when your teenage daughter comes up to you and asks if she can go to a dance Friday night even though she is grounded. Are you ready for this conversation? Probably not, and she knows it. It is perfectly alright to tell her that this is not a good time and that you will talk to her about it after dinner. Set a time for them. That does tend to help. If they continue to go on, ignoring them can also work. Remember, it takes two to argue.
Setting up a 2 Tier system for consequences and rewards is also useful for controlling their behavior. This system is not only useful for children with ODD but all children and adolescents. Instead of automatically giving them one consequence for negative behavior, which usually involves the loss of a privilege or item, the first consequence is to DO something. Give them an extra chore or tell them they must write an essay based on the behavior and what they could do differently next time. If they don’t complete the task in the time frame you have given them, then they lose something. This way they feel like they have a choice in the matter AND it can help you with tasks around the house!
There is much more involved in a 2 Tier system including rewards and setting up expectations and rules that you have for them. There is also much more involved in the communication aspect of working with a child with ODD. Counselors can help in this area by teaching you the styles of communication needed and role playing with you so you will be at your best when you go home and face your child. Remember, you can be in control of a conversation and where it is headed. Don’t give them the power. Remind them who the parent is and who the child is just by the way you interact with them.